I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
