but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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