We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Randomize
