if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
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