The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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