mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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