One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Randomize
