I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. �Hello 29...
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
