I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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