clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I think my fart just growled at me.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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