after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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