I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Randomize
