Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
