Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
