i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
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