Nicole vs. Life
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
