I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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