hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
