i jhust puked up my retainher.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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