hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
