i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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