I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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