It's like God shit irony all over that family
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
