Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
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