Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
