Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
