By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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