peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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