apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
