I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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