I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
