Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
