I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
