I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Randomize
