Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
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