u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
