I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
