and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
