She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
