why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
