what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
