sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
