i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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