Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
