I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
