while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
