I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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