another moral hangover. fuck.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
