I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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