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You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
